Food of the Gods
by TheLegendOfSwords
Summary: Our story more or less takes place directly after the events of Gods of War III, so I'm sure it's totally canon and doesn't conflict with the games in any way whatsoever.


**Food of the Gods:**

Our story more or less takes place directly after the events of Gods of War III, so I'm sure it's totally canon and doesn't conflict with the games in any way whatsoever.

The lands had become a barren wasteland after the plagues of Pandora's Stash had been unleashed onto the world. Kratos had just barely survived committing seppuku with his own sword and was now tending to the last patch of fertile soil, which was about the size of a doormat. He pulled a handful of potatoes out of the dirt.

They were ugly, pathetic looking things with roots and scabs all over, but at this rate he was starving and didn't give a damn. He wasn't even patient enough to cook them. He brought the potatoes to his mouth.

Before he could bite into them, the ground shook beneath him and an enormous crack split through the ground, opening up a chasm that led straight to the underworld, which apparently wasn't that far beneath the surface. He lost his balance and fell forward. Kratos' potatoes slipped from his hand and fell down the chasm. "Nooooo! My potatoes!"

A lightning bolt struck the ground in front of Kratos and Zeus appeared, throwing his head back and laughing like a stereotypically evil person.

Kratos grit his teeth and stared at him. "Zeus, how is it that you're still alive?"

"You ludicrous fool! You never defeated any of the gods! Your blasphemous murders were all merely illusions and a trap devised by Satan!"

"But why? Why must you continue to haunt me?"

"I don't know. There's just something about you that pisses me off. I've felt awfully out of character ever since you opened Pandora's Box. "

How dare he criticize him for that! Kratos charged forward and tried to stab him with the Stretchy Purple Jesus Spear from God of War II, but the coward turned into a lightning bolt and shot back into the sky, making him charge through thin air and accidently fall down the chasm. This would be about the bazillionth time he had gone to the underworld.

"ZEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUES!"

Before he could become a splotch of red paste on hell's sidewalk, a pair of white wings sprouted from his back and he flapped them, slowing his decent so that he could land safely. (They were the wings of Icarus, but not Icarus from God of War. This time they were the wings of Kid Icarus, which I suppose has some very unfortunate implications as to the future of that franchise.)

He landed on a metal platform in the forge of Hephaestus; a giant naked, ugly man sitting with his hairy ass in a lake of lava while he tinkered away at his grindstone.

"Is that you, my beautiful Aphrodite?" Hephaestus turned towards Kratos and then his face contorted into disgust. "You're not Aphrodite! How dare you trick me into being gay, you Human Candy Cane! You will die by my hand!" He reached for Kratos with one of his enormous, dirty hands.

Kratos used the chain of his blades of chaos as a skipping rope, cutting off sections of his fingers like a sausage being cut into sections by a knife. "LOU, LOU, SKIP TO MY LOU, SKIP TO MY LOU MY MUTHERF****ING DARLING!"

Hephaestus bled profusely and then died of blood loss.

"Oh, and by the way, I f***ed your wife. Just thought you should know." (Though of course, Kratos forgot that his time with Aphrodite, much like his fights with the gods, was also an illusion. In fact, all of his time with women were illusions, and thus Kratos was still technically a virgin.)

He put on his lava walking boots and stepped over the lake of fire until he made it to The Island of Gratuitous Cameos. On his way through the island, he passed by Adam Jensen, who was riding a hellish pony.

"Hey, how's it going?" said Adam.

"Not too bad," said Kratos.

Kratos came across a house so ungainly that it looked like it was made by hobos. He stepped inside and entered a room lined with pillars upholding exotic drinks.

Athena stood before the pillars. "These are the Foods of the Gods. You must choose wisely, Kratos."

"You lie! These are not food! These are merely drinks! I do not need hydration! I need nourishment!" He swung his blades and knocked over a pillar, spilling one of the exotic drinks.

"No, that was the Apple Juice of Atlantis!" said Athena.

Kratos knocked over another pillar.

"That was the Lemonade of Lemuria!"

Kratos knocked yet over another pillar.

"That was the Orange Juice of Orpheus!"

Kratos knocked over a shelf full of Lego construction toys.

"That was my BIONICLE collection!"

"Tell me where I can find food, or there will be consequences!"

"Fine! You may have the Eyes of Truth to find what you seek, but be warned, you may find that the truth is unbearable." Athena handed him the Eyes of Truth.

As soon as the artifact touched his hand, the illusion collapsed around him and he ended up back on the surface world. A lightning bolt struck the ground in front of Kratos and Zeus appeared, throwing his head back and laughing like a stereotypically evil person.

"You ludicrous fool! You never defeated any of the gods! Your blasphemous murders were all merely illusions and a trap devised by Satan!"

Kratos once again charged forward and tried to stab him with the Stretchy Purple Jesus Spear, because it certainly worked the first time. Surely enough, however, the coward turned into a lightning bolt and shot back into the sky just like last time, making him charge through thin air and accidently fall down the chasm again.

Kratos had a feeling this was going to get really old really fast.


End file.
